Men will never understand the pain a woman suffers. I’m not talking about the trying to push a watermelon through your cervix pain. No, I’m talking about the pain you can’t acknowledge or scream about.
At least in childbirth you are allowed to yell and call your mate every name in the book. And even make up a few new ones if you want.
I’m talking about the pain of walking in high-heeled shoes that are pinching your toes like Godzilla is bouncing on them. I’m talking about that feeling that if you have to walk another step you will rip off those Christian Louboutins and beat the closest person over the head with the heel point.
An overwhelming Oh-my-God-I-wish-I-were-dead kind of pain only a woman in five-inch heels could understand.
Okay, I do realize men get kidney stones and they lose their minds from the pain.
So, if men have experienced that, then they do have some idea of a woman’s suffering.
So why am I bringing this up at all? Do you not have more important things to worry about, Norma?
Of course I do, but the other night I was reminded of women’s suffering and tolerance for pain watching Melania Trump at the inaugural ball.
Now this is not a political piece so please don’t start sending me hate memes or unfriending me. It’s to make a point about women and shoes.
I’m certain it took hours to put herself together and she was bedecked in a designer gown and all the trimmings.
But the real story here is the shoes.
When she walked into the ball I instantly saw on her face that familiar look of pain. Someone who is wishing she could take off her shoes and wiggle her toes in ice water. Whose toes hadn’t felt blood rushing through them in hours. Yet she knew the fashion world was snapping pics and judging, so Birkenstocks were out of the question.
When I was young in the Mesozoic era, the highest heels we wore were three inches.
That was enough to pinch, hurt and ouch our way through occasions when it was necessary to sport a dressy shoe.
Now women wear five-inch heels. Are you kidding me? I once saw Jodie Foster in heels so high her calves were bulging tighter than Tyson’s fists.
We’ve all been there. Trying to smile and act cool while we’re fighting not to cry or scream out loud from the agony. Trying not to show it on our face when we are literally wincing from the torture.
So my question is why? Why wear shoes that will cause you excruciating pain instead of sensible-sized heels?
I’m thinking one of the best parts of getting to grandma age is you never have to wear those Manolo torture chambers again. No one gives a damn if a seventy-five-year-old woman’s legs look shapely under her gown.
My friends and I fell back down to earth years ago searching for pretty flats to wear for fancy occasions.
And what a difference it made.
While other women in skyscraper heels suffered and tried to smile through the evening, we were cozy and comfortable in old lady flats with a cushy insole.
Now I do have some friends who can rock a one or two incher while wearing a soft insert, but I’m not that adventurous. Nope. I’ve decided life is too short to wear a vice around my feet that squeezes harder with each moment of swelling.
The last time I wore a heel I was limping and crying within the first hour. I said “screw this and walked around in my nylons the rest of the night.”
Do I care if people were pointing and giggling behind my back? Hell no, because they were all men. The women were nodding and sending me looks of pity and total understanding of my dilemma. Although some of them continued to brave on in higher heels with full knowledge they wouldn’t be walking without pain for the next few days.
So why do women care at all? I have a bunch of shoes in my closet I will never wear again. Yet I don’t have the heart to give them away yet.
Many were only worn once, but they sit sadly in the box awaiting their night on the town.
A night that will never come. So why do I keep them?
Is it because I actually believe that I will someday be able to tolerate the torture again? Does old age make you more masochistic?
Trust me. There is no pain killer strong enough to eliminate the misery and still allow me to walk upright without bumping into walls.
My toes still smart when I think about the squeezing they endured in those pointed, but absolutely yummy candy-apple-red heels I so loved.
It’s a chick thing and I don’t expect men to get it.
Most men would be sensible and ask, “well if they hurt your feet so much why wear them?”
Easy for them to say. Does common sense have anything at all to do with fashion?
Well, I’d have to admit when you’re young you kind of feel it’s your duty to suffer for style.
It’s so great to get to the Chico’s age. Now one can wear loose clothes, low heels and big necklaces or scarves to cover that turkey neck.
Don’t even start me on the whole fabulous “throw-a-hat-on” thing.
As difficult as it is to age, I must admit one of the perks is you no longer have to give a damn about fashion. You can display great taste even wearing comfortable clothes and low-heeled shoes.
At least there are other choices now besides Naturalizers or the grandma kickers of yesteryear.
Sadly, most people are too busy noticing all those wrinkles on your face to even make it down to the feet anyway.
The only thing a woman in her seventies should be doing with a five-inch heel is using it as a weapon if she’s attacked.
Even if I could get them on and stand in them, chances are I’d fall flat on my face immediately. What am I, a high wire performer in my old age?
As a public service I have a tip for the CIA and Mossad. Next time you are trying to make a terrorist talk, just put them in a pair of five-inch, one size too small Manolo Blahniks and make them walk two miles. They’ll sing like a bird after only twenty minutes.
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