Curses Foiled Again

My body and I have always had a love/hate relationship. Especially when it comes to food and exercise. In other words, any attempt on my part to “do” healthy was met with contempt and aggression. And a lot of swearing, mostly by my body.

I know most people are thinking, I know she’s nuts, but to separate herself from her body, do you think she’s completely lost it?

Probably. And if you look at the world around us now, I believe it’s justified. But as usual I digress so back to gressing.

It seems that in all the years we’ve been together my body and I have never been able to have a Zen moment. To find a common ground for understanding, love and peace. Lord, I sound like the old hippy in me has returned.

It’s just so unfortunate that two entities living in such close proximity never got along.

No matter what the discussion an argument ensued.

Me: That Oreo cookie looks so good, but oh well. I can’t eat it I’m on a diet.

My Body: Like I care? Shove it in your mouth right now sister and add six more to the mix.

Me: No way I haven’t broken my diet and I won’t.

My Body: I will hurt you and I will hurt you bad if there is not an Oreo in my mouth in two seconds.

Me: Do not threaten I’m the boss here.

OUCH! A sudden sharp pain in my head.

Me: Stop it!

Another pain.

My Body: Want more? Cause I can keep going like this all day until I get that cookie.

Six Oreos later I heard the laugh inside my head of a demented clown.

Don’t even start me on the battles I fought and pain I felt when I even tried to exercise. I heard more obscenity than when I try to zip my skinny jeans.

So how is it so easy for your body to win and how is it so much easier now that I’m older?

Isn’t my body aging along with me? Or is it still young and feisty from winning all the time?

Perhaps it has a desire for world domination. Maybe my body is power hungry? Well, we definitely know it is always hungry.

So in an effort to keep the peace, I’ve decided to just give in. Yep, if my body wants to run the world, go for it.

If my body wants Oreos or a cheeseburger, I say hip hip hurray! No arguments, no fighting, just fill my mouth with all the yummy food I have felt guilty about eating and fought to resist. Fill my hand with something grand!

But then suddenly something strange happened. When I stopped resisting, my body became more cooperative. We were getting along much better. No pains, no threats, no swearing. It was as if the Dali Lama took over my circulatory system.

Never one to accept success gracefully, I began to wonder what was going on? I was worried that my body was too broken down to fight. Or perhaps it was up to no good. A ploy to lure me into a state of confusion? Either way I had to find out.

All the peace and quiet was making me antsy. I tried to be antagonistic. I threw away a whole bag of Oreos and still nothing. No response, no demands. It was as if my body had lost its voice. It certainly was fueled by enough chocolate and carbs so what could be happening?

Oh it was up to something, but what?

Like all great debaters every conversation is an opportunity to disagree. So as soon as I gave in, my body opted out.

What no fight left in ya, huh? Scared of me I teased? I finally wore you down. Yet, like everyone who has done perpetual battle, the victory is short lived. No more mountains to climb, no more battles to fight, no more fun licking the middle out of an Oreo?

I felt a certain sadness at the diminished spunkiness of my former nemesis. Like seeing your old car die before your eyes. All the years it drove you where you needed to go and now suddenly kaput. Sad really.

I tried to perk it up a bit.

Oh boy, oh boy that Black Forest Cake looks yummy, but I shouldn’t have any.

Hmmm, silence.

Wow! A whole new bag of M&Ms and only me to munch on them. But I do have to get into that new blouse so none for me.

Crickets.

I smell pizza so I have to leave the room.

Death.

Now I’m really concerned. I’m carbo loading like a prize fighter and not even gaining any weight.

This is quite disconcerting. I’m used to walking by a bakery, smelling the bread and gaining two pounds.

Wake up I can’t stand anymore, I plead. I’ll eat everything you want, just fight with me. I implore you. I can’t enjoy anything unless you battle me over every morsel.

I was becoming depressed so I did what I always do when the corners of my mouth curve downward. I ate. And I continued eating until I gained five pounds.
I jumped off the scale in a state of gloom, ran for the kitchen and baked brownies. When I burned my tongue eating a forkful right out of the oven, I heard a strange noise.

A smug laugh emanating from somewhere inside me. I dropped the fork and realized I’d been played.

Curses, foiled again.

I hung my head and threw in the dish towel. I knew I’d lost the war.

Published by normazagercom

Award-winning journalist and star Judge of Baking It on NBC with Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Andy Sandburg Norma Zager combines her years of stand-up comedy with her writing skills, to create an offbeat, hilarious take on Baby Boomer life and growing older in today’s world that touches the chocolate-coated soul of everyone.
One of the stars of the Food Network’s Clash of the Grandmas, Zager had returned to journalism after a 14-year stint as a stand up comic, playing Vegas regularly and opening for the biggest names in laughter. She created Norma’s 14 Karat Cookies after moving to Los Angeles and was the first comedian to have her own comedy/cooking show in Las Vegas. Her numerous television and radio appearances including Home and Family and appearances on the Food Network made her a favorite with audiences.
Her cooking show on Beverly Hills Cable Network can also be seen on Youtube.
In 1999, Zager returned to her journalistic roots when she accepted a reporter position at the Beverly Hills Courier newspaper and became editor after nationally scooping all other media and breaking the story about Laura Schlessinger’s mother’s death.
When Erin Brockovich sued the city of Beverly Hills alleging an oil well on
on high school grounds was the cause of numerous cancers in former students, Zager’s coverage garnered national attention. In 2003 she was named Los
Angeles Journalist of the Year and Best Investigative Reporter by the Los Angeles Press Club. The Wall Street Journal and The Columbia Journalism Review both featured articles about her work on the Brockovich story.
Zager’s book about the Brockovich/Beverly Hills lawsuit entitled Erin Brockovich and the Beverly Hills Greenscam, is currently available on Amazon and bookstores everywhere.
Lila Luminosity and the Lipstick Murders and Lila Luminosity and the Planet Christmas Murders combine her love of comedy, cooking and reporting to create a crazy, zany, fun-filled ride through the universe armed with chocolate, shoes and every woman’s perfect boyfriend. They are also available on Amazon.
Zager and her family reside in Los Angeles, where she is a journalist, radio show host, author, speaker and part-time journalism professor at California State University.
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Published
September 23, 2024September 23, 2024